Sailor Mooned
by Quibblet
Summary: Brief summary highlights of seasons 1-5/wannabe parody.


Sailor Moon (a.k.a "Boom Boom Moon", "Dumbass Moonie") is a fake heroine who lives in a fake world with her fake friends, her fake meatballs, fake butt, fake titties and her fake hubbie who battles her fake enemies on a daily basis. She is not to be confused with Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson.

Sailor Moon goes by the alias Usagi Tsukino, though for some reason people like calling her Serena. Her outfit is loosely based on the schoolgirl's sailor uniform, which some Japanese think has got to be one of the most ridiculous inventions to come out of their country. The instant Ramen noodle is STILL the coolest invention ever.

The TV series became the most popular anime in the country, with its spinoff, "Sailor Moon Ate My Balls" surpassing it in ratings.

Sailor Moon found her calling when she ate a jellybean cake stuffed with opium laced with cheap-ass weed, and soon got very high. Then she started hearing voices, and imagined her cat, Lunar, talking to her. To this day, she still gets hallucinations of the cat babbling like a normal human.

Sailor Moon hangs out with a bunch of other planets in the Solar System, though why in the hell she would is beyond understanding, as we all know planets don't like each other because of the gravitational forces they exert upon the other.

The first villain the Sailor Senshi fought was Queen Beryl. Being the usual putz that she is, Sailor Moon thought it was an evil barrel who had proclaimed itself queen of all barrels on Earth. They duked it out with Four Generals, who the girls soon got distracted with their impossibly handsome looks and sexy flowing capes.

They also had to fight alot of mannequin rejects, though it was reported by CNN that many defected to the good side and were plotting to overthrow Queen Beryl. Several reports stated because they were jealous of her awesome purple dress, not because of low wages or being treated like total crapola.

In early 1993, a lawsuit was filed against Tuxedo Kamen for wasting a bunch of roses he threw all the time, many of them meeting horrific fates. The group, "Japan Against Violence On Roses" won the lawsuit and sued him for 8,000,000 yen, of which he paid back when he stole the money from the Yakuza.

The Yakuza in turn put out a hit against him, and but failed when they killed the wrong guy cosplaying as Tuxedo Kamen while going to an Anime Expo. Then more Tuxedo Kamen cosplayers showed up, and this confused the mob shooters, so they opened fire on them just to make sure the real one was dead.

That same year, Queen Beryl appeared on "Larry King Live" and "Oprah Winfrey" to promote her new tell-all book.

Later that fall, it was revealed that Usagi's friend, Naru Osaka, was actually Sailor Earth and it wasn't just a retarded myth started by Internet junkies. Like the actual moon, Usagi was now second fiddle and Earth's bitch. Nephrite was somehow brought back to life and got back with Naru. The two continued their romance filled with pathological lying and chocolate parfaits.

It was also revealed that Zoisite and Kunzite were not really gay lovers, but two asexual beings who grew out of an asexual plant. This upset many yaoi fans, though Kunzite and Zoisite supported the LBGTQ community and slash fiction. They could still be seen every year at the gay parades in San Francisco.

The Dysfunctional Moon Family was scheduled to be the next villains, but they all burned up in the atmosphere when Earth got another hole in its ozone layer. Chibi-Usa was also swallowed up by a 300 pound kid who had mistaken her hair for cotton candy.

In early 1994, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto dropped by Earth, and wanted to see if Sailor Moon was the real princess by putting her through a tickling test. Tragically, Sailor Moon did not pass the test and died from laughter. Then Queen Beryl got mad because she wanted to kill Sailor Moon herself.

Three months later, the Golden Crystal brought Sailor Moon back to life, much to the chagrin of Japan. It was also reported that the Sailor Senshi were in really foul moods during this time, though it's not sure if it was because their spinoff was being cancelled or they now had to put up with Usagi's whiny, screechy voice again.

Contrary to popular belief, Sailor Moon is not the leader of the group. It's really Sailor Mercury, as logically speaking, she is the first in line of the planets from the Sun.

That same year, Sailor Moon was nominated and won the Academy Award for best actress for episode 108. While alot of people believed she was boozed out of her mind, that day she forgot to take her crazy meds and so this is how she normally acts.

Fed up with Sailor Moon's legendary stupidity, Sailor Mars finally lost it one day and attacked Sailor Moon by bludgeoning her with her Moon Sceptor wand. Moon was rushed to the hospital in critical condition, while Mars was arrested on assault and battery charges. As usual, a relative, which was some old pervert at the Hino shrine, defended her by saying she was a really nice girl who went to school and was never violent.

Sailor Mars was subsequently fired from the TV series, and so the writers had to make up a cliché story about her attending school in some stuffy European country. Mars later found work starting a business marketing her own candy bar, and promoting Marvin the Martian cartoons.

In late 1994/early 1995, Sailor Moon's TV ratings dropped when the Japanese began tuning in to the O.J Simpson trial. It was later proven that Queen Metallia wasn't real at all. She was merely an illusion created by Satan just to f*ck with peoples' minds. THE DEVIL WILL ALWAYS BE OUR WORST ENEMY. HE WILL ALWAYS BE ON OUR ASSES.

So, in the summer of 1997, all the Sailor Senshi faced off against their ultimate enemy, Sailor Battlestar Galactica. Galactica turned out to be a wimp, as she was easily bitch-talked down by Yuichiro, Sailor Mars' stoner boyfriend. Then Tuxedo Kamen had his turn, and even that nerd freak Umino joined in, and Galactica ran away crying.

Later, at the final showdown, Galactica pretended to have a backbone and was about to fight Sailor Moon. Everything seemed to slow down in ridiculous time, as all the Senshi watched (some becoming bored with the suspense, redoing their makeup, gossiping, etc), the entire world hoping and praying that they would all be saved...

FFWWUURGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

That is the last sound recorded from Earth by aliens. After that, morbid silence. Well it turns out Sailor Jupiter let out the most humongous, devastating fart of all time (what is it with Jupiterians and big things?). This was from eating some moon beans earlier. Anyhow, the toxic gas sprang forth and wiped out entire cities and populations. The Sailor Senshi were obliterated and so was Galactica.

It pretty much destroyed 90% of the Earth. Queen Beryl was, of course, safe in her dark realm. But she got really pissed this time because she wasn't able to kill Sailor Moon again, and so she screamed and cried and stomped up and down for several hours.

And so the flame of humankind was extinguished, in what has got to be one of the most lame, anti-climatic endings to an anime series. WTF? I just wasted two hours of my life watching this shitty season finale. An utterly HUGE let-down to all Sailor Moon fans everywhere. Oh well. There's always Cowboy Bepop...

The End ;;


End file.
